This writing was first posted on January 25th 2015 on my tumblr.
When one looks into the language that pornographers and consumers of mainstream porn use to describe scenes, you can spot a pattern.
It seems there are two things that are often accentuated:
1. The difference in power between the male subject and his body (“big”, “monstercock”, “huge”, “daddy” etc.) and the female object and her body (“tiny”, “tight”, “petite”, “teen”, “cute” etc.).
2. The violence that the subject inflicts on the object (“gets fucked”, “gets a pounding”, “is banged”, “destroyed”, “abused”, “violated”, “has to”, “is forced to”, can’t take it” etc.).
This idea of a big, cruel subject harming a small, vulnerble object is what drives many men’s sexuality today. It’s the kind of sex men desire, what they fantasize about and dream of enacting themselves, as subject. People often claim that pornography is fiction and that fantasies are harmless ideas that don’t have to become a reality. Except: they’re wrong. The girls and young women starring in those porn movies are not fiction, they are living, breathing human beings.
And men do enact these fantasies on women, they enacted it on me.
Every time (with the exception of some fetishists) i was alone with a punter, they wanted me to be like the porn girls they see on their screen. They wanted me to be that girl: young, cute, fragile, hairless and submissive. This entire dynamic was ridiculous: a 50 year old man* and i was 21 year old and had to basicly emulate a teenager in every way. In the later stages of my time in the sextrade, i had lost quite some weight and i could definitely tell that attracted more clients.
My BMI was a little over 16, did that just make me somewhat more unique? I think it made me appear more vulnerble and that got them,
And again, just like on the screen, many wanted to do to me what was being done to the girls in porn: to penetrate me aggressively, often anally, to “facefuck” me, to put their entire fist inside me and to orgasm in my face.
Did i consent to that? No. Did i allow it? Yes. You don’t simply refuse anything when you desperately need the money and when the man in front of you looks and behaves aggressively. It makes you feel scared. My fear made me passive, my attention focussed inward, not all moans are to fake enthusiasm, some are expressions of pain you need to let out to cope. I was acting like the object they wanted me to be, knowing it would be over sooner if i did. To this day, i have a difficult time forgiving myself for my compliance.
Clearly, these components are central to porn and prostitution, to the entire sex industry and its demand: (primarily heterosexual) male sexuality.
They want their sexual partners to look like childlike, innocent, porcelain dolls and then they want to break them.
* A few clients were slightly younger, many even older.